8-30-09 Memories

You know I am sitting here thinking about when I was younger.
I used to be so thin. My ex-boyfriends friends would rave about how thin i was. How you could see all of my ribs and how my stomach was as big around as one of their thighs.
I remember how thin i used to be. i used to be able to fit both of my hands around my thigh with a little bit of wiggle room.. now.. barly all the way around.

Today my boyfriend picked me up and he had to gain momentum by swinging his feet to even sit himself up and he grunted when he stood. I felt so aweful.

What am I becoming? The typical American? A little bit of pudge? If I let one thing slide. maybe another and another and before you know it I am that super fat woman on one of those medical shows getting gastric bypass because I am too weak to lift my fat cellulite thighs. disgusting.

I can not wait until I reath my short term goal weight, I just want to see the deffinition of my ribs again. I can see them now.But I want them to stick out. I want to see each individual divit between bones and I want to see my spine rising up out of my back when I bend over.

I want to feel the bagginess of my clothes again.
I want to feel the sickening cold against my skin because of my inability to keep myself warm.
I want to see my bones poking out of my skin like daggers.
I want to see the hollows under my cheek bones and the deffenition of my jaw line.
I want my collar bone to protrude enough so that I can wrap my fingers around it.
I want to get rid of my sickening tripple didgets on my my scale and be light as a feather and thin as a rail.