Monday, August 31, 2009


Finally a successfull fasting day. It seems like lately the universe doesnt want me to be thin.

So it actually wasnt a bad day... i got on the scale this morning ang guess what?

same a yesterday...
i though that it would be more .. but iguess not i was very pleasantly surprised.
but i cant help but think ... if i hadnt had to break my fast would i have lost any weight?

oh well.
atleast it wasnt a step back. so i guess i'll take it.

im going to hook up my trainer ( stationary bike) tomorrow and it was a computer to show me calories burned (yey!)

Sorry this post is kind fo short.

its late and i am tired from working all day again =P

Listening to: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

Sunday, August 30, 2009

8-30-09 UHGG.. Please slit my throat... please

So today was SUPPOSED to be a fast... but that didnt work out. My boyfriend and i went to the mall to get him school clothes and such.

he made me eat a soft pretzel... (300+ cals?)
an oreo milk shake... i "spilled" it
he took me out to dinner.
i got out of eating breadsticks...
ordered minestrone (100% veggie friendly) so that wasnt so bad

but then came the main course...
he ordered for us while i was in the bathroom


pasta? wtf mate?
i dont want that.
i didnt want any food... although i should admit i was feeling very light headed at the mall. after walking no stop for literally 2 hours i was starting to get tunnel vision really bad and had to sit down... thats when he made me eat the pretzel...

I am probably going to have an aweful scale moment tomorrow...
though good news
i am off my period so NO MORE BLOATING
so thats good. i bloat so bad.

and speaking of PMS

today was the big day. i started my birth control .. i took it around 9 because thats when i usually take all of my other pills. and thank god birth control doesnt need to be taken with food.
i really hop it doesnt make my boobs bigger. like i am praying.

so since My boyfriend absoloutly sabotaged my fast...
no more food for the rest of the week.
every day will be a fast.
i swear to god i will starve off that fettuchini if it kills me

i will be beautiful
i will be thin

8-30-09 Shopping

So i am going shopping for skinny clothes and I am a bit nervouse because i am going with my boyfriend so i will have to eat something probably... he alwaysmakes me eat. =P so this will be a temporary bump in my fast but hopefully he will be to distracted shopping himself so he wont notice that i dont want to eat.

Maybe I will tell him that i ate before i met him there. ( like he would believe that. )
but idk

on the up side. SKINNY CLOTHES!! yessssss!


I got up around 9:30 and went to the bathrom ,,, (I always go before I weigh myself)
and guess what?!?!

124.4 lbs!!!!

finally I am making some progress. I've been hovering around 126 all summer. This is deffinatly not my lowest weight this summer (*sigh*) but hey. I'll take it.

keeping up with my fast. its almost noon and still nothing.

keep thinking thin ladies!

8-30-09 Memories

You know I am sitting here thinking about when I was younger.
I used to be so thin. My ex-boyfriends friends would rave about how thin i was. How you could see all of my ribs and how my stomach was as big around as one of their thighs.
I remember how thin i used to be. i used to be able to fit both of my hands around my thigh with a little bit of wiggle room.. now.. barly all the way around.

Today my boyfriend picked me up and he had to gain momentum by swinging his feet to even sit himself up and he grunted when he stood. I felt so aweful.

What am I becoming? The typical American? A little bit of pudge? If I let one thing slide. maybe another and another and before you know it I am that super fat woman on one of those medical shows getting gastric bypass because I am too weak to lift my fat cellulite thighs. disgusting.

I can not wait until I reath my short term goal weight, I just want to see the deffinition of my ribs again. I can see them now.But I want them to stick out. I want to see each individual divit between bones and I want to see my spine rising up out of my back when I bend over.

I want to feel the bagginess of my clothes again.
I want to feel the sickening cold against my skin because of my inability to keep myself warm.
I want to see my bones poking out of my skin like daggers.
I want to see the hollows under my cheek bones and the deffenition of my jaw line.
I want my collar bone to protrude enough so that I can wrap my fingers around it.
I want to get rid of my sickening tripple didgets on my my scale and be light as a feather and thin as a rail.

Saturday, August 29, 2009


okay so it wasn't a completely successfull fast.. im thinking less than 100 cal.

i started to have realy bad withdrawal symptoms from not taking my medication for a few days
so i had to take that with some food so that it would work.

Current weight: 127.2
down almost a pound since yesterday!
so there is a little bit of "progress" i feel like my whole summer has been 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

so tomorrow is the big day... starting my birth control .. i am really nervous that it is going to make me bloat or gain weight ...
i have also heard that it can make your boobs bigger... im worried about that too because i carry a lot of my extra weight in my boobs.

i hate having large breasts run in my family. its aweful.

but im taking yaz which has one of the lowest rate of reported side effects.. i am hoping that it will clear up some of my acne though.. i get the period break outs... =P

8-29-09 just a side not for today (12:56 am)

well this is more of an after though from yesterday but this post is going to appear under Saturday's log.

my stomach is already growling in anticipation for the fasting fiasco to come...
it is a symphony in my stomach and music to my ears.

8-29-09 looking forward to school

im really looking forward to school because i eat so much less when im in school.
i eat more durring the summer just because i am around the food. i suppose it is just too tempting i need to really work on that whole will power thing. =P

im hoping to lose about 5 lbs by the first month of school. about what i gained back this summer ... (i know right?? ughh)

and so my short term goal weight right now is 120.
long term is 105 which i am hoping to achieve by the end of the school year but we'll se how that goes.

Friday, August 28, 2009

8-28-09 OMG. KILL ME NOW

omg horrible day.
im not even going to bother post my food diary today.
i did such a horrible job.

I had to go to my boyfriends house and he made me eat lunch there
i managed to choke down half of a salad wrap and a fwe bites of mashed potates.
what is he trying to give me a heart attach. so many carbs!
uhgg and he wouldnt let me out of his sight so i couldnt sneak away to purge

and then im not going to even think about work..
i was getting so lightheaded i had to eat something just to get me through my shift so i didnt pass out because im training a new girl.

oh and btw.
current weight .. up 3 lbs since yesterday.. how does that even happen????!!!

i've decided i am fasting for as long as i possibly can ... im not setting a goal because if i can fast forever i will.

god i feel like a failure.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

8-27-09 my unsuccessful fast

current weight: 125



now here is where I failed it up and ate aroung 3 o'clock and I still can't believe I did it either.
1 cup of couscous and 3 ginger thins (a swedish cookie) all and all about 220 calories maybe.


Uhgg... I was comming home from my doctors appt. and at the end of the exit ramp the road forks. left goes to the grocerie store. right goes home.

of course I go left... I dont know what I was thinking.. it was like some magnetic force dragged me left.
and i spent $30!!! $30 on FOOD ... thats a new pair of jeans ... now in my refrigerator...
I bought some unsalted rice cakes.
1 Soy steak
1 Soy pulled "pork"
5 couscous
5 Instant mashed potatoes
4 apples
5 celery
and 2 cucumbers

I cant believe I broke.
and to top my day off a customer at work told me she wished she was as thin as i was... what is the world comming to that I am considered thin... America is a bunch of lazy fat slobs... thats why.. in a world of healthy weight Americans I would be considered average. I mean Jesus.. if everyone would stop eating fast food and junk food ... maybe they would all lose a couple dozen pounds or so.
Im just waiting for the day that they outlaw fast food...


its almost 4 am.
I cant sleep and my stomach is like growling ferociously.
I am so hungry but i refure to ruin yesterdays day of fasting.
I am going to go down some water.
I am dreading taking my medication this afternoon (must be taken with food)i take it every other day instead of every single day because it has to be taken with a meal. and not the saltine crackers meals.

uhhggg.. I dread these moments.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009



I dread going to work.
I work at an icecream shack. i know it is like the most masochistic job ever
but it pays $12 per hour.

I am going to have sucha a hard time. I am dreading it.


8-26-09 My stress-filled day

Weight this morning: 126.2 (UGHHHH!!!)


Half of a chocolate chip cookie ( I know I shouldn't have but my neighbors little girls were going around the neighborhood door to door selling them and they were still warm! [ =P ])

2 scrambled eggs with onion and ketchup.

This morning I woke up with the intentions of taking my day off and relaxing and making this day all about me as a rarely get to do this with my busy schedual.


I am woken up by excruciating PMS cramps.
Then I get a call from my mother that I need to clean out my room, we are apparently having a yard sale next week. (great)
I ask her to see if my gyno can get me in any sooner ( I had an appt. next weekend)
By this time it is about 1 o'clock.
I had to help my younger sister with algebra homework and such and clean all the shit out of my room.
She tells me i need to leave in about 20 minutes to meet her at her work so we can go to my gyno appt together.
Now mind you that I am 17.. I have had maybe one gyno appt.
So 2 minutes before I need to leave my younger sister tells me that she needs a ride to her school for a pre-season field hockey concussion screening ( I know. rediculous right?)
So i go in to opposite direction I need to to drop her off. I get on the interstatre instead of the turnpike ... and of course they have to be doing construction.
So I get to my gyno appt late. like 15 minutes late. Because of all of this.
And on top of all of THAT! .. i lost my retainer.. and now have to pay $75 to get a new one... which i am ofcourse going to pay.. but still... super annoying.

At the end of the day I just wanted some comfort food.
It took everything I had not to make that turn into the local convenience store/ sandwich shop and grab a big greasy delicious slice of pizza.
so i went home and wipped up those eggs. good... but not as delicious as that pizza.