9-27-09 ;; 6 followers wtf

Whatever.

uhgg school has been shit. This flu thing istn going away and i feel so run down
i"ve missed like 4 1/2 days of school but managed to go back t school for like 1 1/2 days in there and then was out sick for another 1 1/2 days.

I have so much shit that i have to make up.
and you know what just bugs me is that the teachers all want you to come in as soon as possible to make up the work and they all think that their class is like more important to all other classes so they get mad when you are making up something else instead of something from tehir class.
well fuck them.

so.
the good part about this flu is that i have had NO appetite for like a week and a half now so im down another pound or so.

Current Weight: 120.5 (yess!)

only 5.5 lbs away from my goal weight. of 115.

When i get down to 115 it will have been over six months since the last time i weighed that much so i am super psyched.

im like starving myself for the home stretch. GAH!
thats probably not doing much for my flu though... all this lack of nutrition.

whatever it is so worth it,

I am starting to get those like ribs showing on the top of my chest. I was so psyched!
and you can see all the bones in my spine now.

but im not getting ahead of myself here am i?
im still fat as hell.
as soon as i get all this damn work made up and my seasonal job ends its going to be

amber + stationary bike for likie 2 weeks straight. these nasty cellulite thunder thighs have GOT TO GO.

starve on ladies!

Currently Listening To: Secret Valentine by Sparks The Rescue

9-21-09 I keep disappearing on you

OKay so sorry i keep like not blogging?

things have been so hectic since school started
and i just got this attrocious flu, ive been like down for the count for like 5 days now and i almost went to the emergency room on saturday because my heart was just freaking out because of this goddamn flu.

anyway im feeling better now i even went to work and school today.

The good news??
current weight: 121.2

yess..


also my pet chicken died. she was the best pet ever. seriously no animal has ever loved me as much as that girl. She used to follow me around everywhere... and i mean everywhere.
a cayote or a large fox broke into her coop durring the night
shemust have been sound asleep and not even known what happened.
for those of you that dont know, chickens are very sound sleepers. VERY sound.

i just hope she didnt suffer.
but i've been feeling really depressed because of it.

seriously, get a chicken, you wouldnt think of it but they are very nice domestic pets if you have enough room outside for them.

i guess i was so attatched to her because she was rejected by her flock or whatever you call a group of chickens, and i had to raise her from just a weeks old.
and she had a deformity in her beek which kpt her from eating normally so i would have to make this cornmeal mash stuff every day for her so she could eat.

i know it sounds crazy
but i really did love that damn chicken.


if i ever felt like eating i would just go outside and walk around with her for a bit and the hunger pangs just went away

sorry im rambling on about a chicken? haha.

anyway.

sorry for being MIA
hopefully it will be back to blogging every day now so make sure you look for my blogs!!


love you all!

currently listening to: Help, I'm Alive by Metric

On a side note. i saw that new movie with Megan Fox its called Jennifers Body.
Dont go see it unless you are desperate to lose your appetite... that movie is just bunch of sexed up blood and guts and it is VVVEERRYY VERY graphic as far as killing scenes and the blood and stuff so it is deffintaly not for the faint of heart.

9-15-09 Where have i been?

Sorry i havent posted a blog in like the past few days .. again.
I've really been having a hard time balancing work and school and schoolwork... and sadly ana as well.

I think i am back up to 124 maybe? thats what my scale says but i am skeptical that it is entirely accurate.

I pigged out today.
I ate like a handful of frenchfriend and a few bites of ziti pasta with tomato sauce. Z

I was absolously stuffed afterwards but i know it wasnt that much food.

i still felt aweful since they were carbs and i cried for like 10 minutes after i ate it .

I have decided to start a 2 week fast.. possibly onger after the first 2 weeks is up, but we'll see how that goes.

I was inspired by these thinspo videos that i found on Fazz's blog.

http://www.youtube.com/user/aaroncohen#play/uploads

also type into youtube "Suppersize vs. superskinny" its a british teevision series so if you live in the UK you probaly know of it. The show has a lot of great diet tips and is actualy also very entertaining. Also i believe it is the final episode of season 1 that features an interview with Isabelle Caro who is that woman featured in the "No Anorexia" ads for Milan Fashion Week.

anyway this has been a long enough blog. so i am going to head out because i need to catch a few winks.

currently listening to: Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

9-12-09 Grandparents Visiting

So after a breakfast of 2 ricecaks with strawberry jelly to jumpstart my metabolism today i have been fasting all day. Its now 6:00 pm. My grandparents are comming down and they always bring homemade douhghnuts so i am going to eat some doughnuts (i know its bad but i only eat them like 2 or 3 times a year so i consider it a little treat).
And i will be fasting for the next 2 or 3 days.

just a quicky blog for now. i do want to add though

this is a site that i am looking at. It has negative calorie recipes and such so check it out if you are interested.

fatfreekitchen.com

9-11-09 We Will Never Forget

So sorry this is going to be a short blog. I have already decided. But im just so tired.
I have been tired all day long.. i as falliong asleep durring 5th period so durring lunch i had to eat some barbs which i felt bad about but i had to stay awake and my school doesnt sell coffee or redbull for that matter

Current weight: 122.8
but i weighed myself before i went to the bathroom so its probably more around 122.5 or something

Fasting tomorrow and probably sleeping most of the day to keep myself out of the cupboards.

Night all.
Stay Hungry

9-10-09 renaming my blog?

Thinking of renaming my blog. let me know what you think of these

Life with ana
Diary of Ana
Confessions of Ana
Current Weight: Ana
Ana and Amber
Anamber


let me know

9-10-09 So yesterday was lucky afterall

I woke up this morning and got on the scale...
Current Weight: 122.8 (!!!)
i havent seen that numbr all summer

I guess 9-9-09 was a lucky day after all

I went over to the mirror and arched my back. could see every glorious rib and back bone.

At work it was so slow so i sat there with my back arched. writing my homework with one hand and feeling my ribs and my back bones with the other.
I havent seen them this prominent in a very long time... maybe its just cuz im loosing this weight around my mid section? idk its hard to tell thse days.

well i hope there is more weight loss to come

I am drinking about a liter and a half a day of water per day. I found a waterbottle that was a liter and a half so i just fill it in the morning and drink it all day long.

Todays total calorie intake was about 100.. maybe a little less.. i didnt finish all the food. I had a frozen strawberry popsicle thing. It didnt htast good at all... but i suppose that was the point haha.

I asked my boss for less hours.
im down to 16 hours next week now as opposed to 25 this week and 40 the week before.
Its totally stellar because now i have time for friends and stuff... i need to go tanning..... i didnt get sun all summer and i am paler than a ghost. Maybe i will go this weekend since i have the whole weekend off (YESSS!!!) im am super psyched about that. but i dont know what i will do with myself since i work so often


my only challenge about this weekend is that I dont know if i will be able to stay away from eating... i dont want to fall back into my summer pattern of just eating because there was nothing else to do.. i have to find a way to keep myself busy this weekend somehow. (any suggestions)
Hopefully ana will be by my side


Currently Listening to: My dryer again ... (what is up with people doing laundry so late at night in this house)

9-9-09 Lucky

So 9-9-09 is supposed to be some sort of lucky day as far as astronomics goes or something like that.
we'll see tomorrow when i step on the scale... if today brought me luck then tomorrow should bring me smaller numbers on my scale! im hoping for the best.

Today My boyfriend and i went to see Inglorious Bastards.
Very Historically inaccurate... but it still kicked ass. it was hella helarious. If you havent seen it yet i fully reccomend going to see it. It is very gorey... atleast in my opinion... deffinatly made me lose any appetite i had.

Things are going well in school. had my first major test in chemistry H today... which im pretty sure i did well on
and i have 2 quizzes (possibly 3? not sure) tomorrow so ... fun stuff is happening in the studying deppartment.

Current Weight: 124.4 lbs.
I did cave durring lunch and eat a handful of carrots but i made sure to sit next to my friend that always eats my food. so she had some too.

Currently Listening to: My freaking noisy ass washing machine... who needs clean tennis shoes at 10:15 at night?


Keep thinking this ladies

"If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you
back on solid ground."
-Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down

9-8-09 Bad Day

So my day pretty much sucked
I was comforted by my growling stomach but right now that seems to be my only silver lining to life.

I am working way too many hours at work
and dont have enough off time for homework and such

and my parents keep forgetting to call my school and have me let out early so i can go to therapy appointments which i cant go to after school because of work.

but enough complaining.

aanyway... didnt weigh myself this morning because i was in a huge rush. so i dont have a current weight for today.. oh well.


so sorry this is such a short blog but im super tired from school and work.

think thin ladies!


currently listening to: Curse of Curves by Cute is What We Aim For


"And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me"
-Jesus of Suburbia, Greenday

9-7-09

So Today i squeezed into my SIZE 0 skinny jeans!!!

i dont know how this happened...
but they are still really tight so i am waiting for them to become loose.
but i got them on right? that counts for something.

oh and i died my hair. It used to be blondish but now it is a darker brown color.

i finished my full course of anti biotics this morning so i am good to go for a fast. (Finally!)

wish me luck!

anyway sorry this is a quick blog today cuz i gotta go to work at 4.


Currently Watching: Lifetime Movie Network

9-7-09

And also a quick Thank You to all of you.
You have been such an inspiration to me this past month with my new blog and thank you to those of you who continued to follow me from my old blog.

and a special shout out to Ana's Girl
she has been such an inspiration and her blog is absoloutly wonderful. I relate to it so well. I love the way she does those stories. Her's is always the first blog that i look at when i log on. So if you havent yet. Check out her blog.

Thanks so much ladies.
Keep thinking thin.

9-6-09 almost 9-7-09 happy labour day

Hello all.
So im getting back on track with the blogging. I hope i havent lost too many of you.
My uti is getting better. The meds are still turning my pee red. Its actually kind of funny because the first time i peed after taking it i was like WTF!! ... i thought i was dieing of something ... turns out there is just some weirdo die in the pills they gave me haha.

aanyway enough about my bathroom trips.

Now for my fail story of the day...
i stepped on my Wii Fit... now if you dont have one of these... get one. they are friggin awesome. The have personal trainers that motivate you and work out plans and they weigh you and give you a bmi... not to mention that they are super duper fun.

i havent done a body scan on it in like a year... i have gained 11.2 pounds since the last time i did... 11.2 lbs?!?!?! wtf... i told my mom and her jaw literally dropped. I'm not kidding. her mouth opened and she was like "OMG AMBER!"

so after my antibiotics are all gone and i have finished the course i am fasting all day every day .. (whats new.. another empty promise)

i am so fat its disgusting... i had to buy a size 3 pants the other day...
and i out them on and the button litteraly flew across the room... it popped off my pants adn flew across the room...
i didnt eat for a day and a half...


ahh 124.4 ... when is this number going to get lower...
and i went to the doctor and she tells me i am 5' 8.5" not 5' 7" so i guess that brings my bmi down a little bit... but that doesnt make me skinnier... i am still 27% for weight in my age group.

9-6-09 MIA

Sorry that I have been MIA for the past week. School just started and I am already swamped.
a full load of classes 3 of which are honors. I dont know how i am going to do this all year.

aaaanyways.
current weight: 124.4

I have gained a bit of weight back becaused i am off the ana life style for 3 days.. i have a uti and have to take the medication 2 times daily with a full meal. If i dont the antibiotics make me really sick and this UTI hurts really badly. I figure after the uti is gone i will just fast and work out like crazy.

I am also going to start training this winter for a triathlon with my mother.

Sorry this is kind of a short blog. i've just been so swamped the last few days and now this uti thing. I just am feeling so run down you know.

and then on top of all that i feel like i have let you guys down by not blogging for the past week. I know that i usually blog like 2 or 3 times a day. WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO ME!!!

gah!


Currently watching: The Break-up

8-31-09

Finally a successfull fasting day. It seems like lately the universe doesnt want me to be thin.

So it actually wasnt a bad day... i got on the scale this morning ang guess what?

124.4
same a yesterday...
i though that it would be more .. but iguess not i was very pleasantly surprised.
but i cant help but think ... if i hadnt had to break my fast would i have lost any weight?

oh well.
atleast it wasnt a step back. so i guess i'll take it.

im going to hook up my trainer ( stationary bike) tomorrow and it was a computer to show me calories burned (yey!)

Sorry this post is kind fo short.

its late and i am tired from working all day again =P

Listening to: Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

8-30-09 UHGG.. Please slit my throat... please

So today was SUPPOSED to be a fast... but that didnt work out. My boyfriend and i went to the mall to get him school clothes and such.

he made me eat a soft pretzel... (300+ cals?)
an oreo milk shake... i "spilled" it
he took me out to dinner.
i got out of eating breadsticks...
ordered minestrone (100% veggie friendly) so that wasnt so bad

but then came the main course...
he ordered for us while i was in the bathroom

FETTUCHINI ALFREDO!!!! A-L-F-R-E-D-O


pasta? wtf mate?
i dont want that.
i didnt want any food... although i should admit i was feeling very light headed at the mall. after walking no stop for literally 2 hours i was starting to get tunnel vision really bad and had to sit down... thats when he made me eat the pretzel...



I am probably going to have an aweful scale moment tomorrow...
though good news
i am off my period so NO MORE BLOATING
so thats good. i bloat so bad.

and speaking of PMS

today was the big day. i started my birth control .. i took it around 9 because thats when i usually take all of my other pills. and thank god birth control doesnt need to be taken with food.
i really hop it doesnt make my boobs bigger. like i am praying.


so since My boyfriend absoloutly sabotaged my fast...
no more food for the rest of the week.
every day will be a fast.
i swear to god i will starve off that fettuchini if it kills me

i will be beautiful
i will be thin

8-30-09 Shopping

So i am going shopping for skinny clothes and I am a bit nervouse because i am going with my boyfriend so i will have to eat something probably... he alwaysmakes me eat. =P so this will be a temporary bump in my fast but hopefully he will be to distracted shopping himself so he wont notice that i dont want to eat.

Maybe I will tell him that i ate before i met him there. ( like he would believe that. )
but idk

on the up side. SKINNY CLOTHES!! yessssss!

8-30-09

I got up around 9:30 and went to the bathrom ,,, (I always go before I weigh myself)
and guess what?!?!

124.4 lbs!!!!

finally I am making some progress. I've been hovering around 126 all summer. This is deffinatly not my lowest weight this summer (*sigh*) but hey. I'll take it.

keeping up with my fast. its almost noon and still nothing.

keep thinking thin ladies!

8-30-09 Memories

You know I am sitting here thinking about when I was younger.
I used to be so thin. My ex-boyfriends friends would rave about how thin i was. How you could see all of my ribs and how my stomach was as big around as one of their thighs.
I remember how thin i used to be. i used to be able to fit both of my hands around my thigh with a little bit of wiggle room.. now.. barly all the way around.

Today my boyfriend picked me up and he had to gain momentum by swinging his feet to even sit himself up and he grunted when he stood. I felt so aweful.

What am I becoming? The typical American? A little bit of pudge? If I let one thing slide. maybe another and another and before you know it I am that super fat woman on one of those medical shows getting gastric bypass because I am too weak to lift my fat cellulite thighs. disgusting.

I can not wait until I reath my short term goal weight, I just want to see the deffinition of my ribs again. I can see them now.But I want them to stick out. I want to see each individual divit between bones and I want to see my spine rising up out of my back when I bend over.

I want to feel the bagginess of my clothes again.
I want to feel the sickening cold against my skin because of my inability to keep myself warm.
I want to see my bones poking out of my skin like daggers.
I want to see the hollows under my cheek bones and the deffenition of my jaw line.
I want my collar bone to protrude enough so that I can wrap my fingers around it.
I want to get rid of my sickening tripple didgets on my my scale and be light as a feather and thin as a rail.

8-29-09

okay so it wasn't a completely successfull fast.. im thinking less than 100 cal.

i started to have realy bad withdrawal symptoms from not taking my medication for a few days
so i had to take that with some food so that it would work.

Current weight: 127.2
down almost a pound since yesterday!
so there is a little bit of "progress" i feel like my whole summer has been 1 step forward and 2 steps back.

so tomorrow is the big day... starting my birth control .. i am really nervous that it is going to make me bloat or gain weight ...
i have also heard that it can make your boobs bigger... im worried about that too because i carry a lot of my extra weight in my boobs.

i hate having large breasts run in my family. its aweful.

but im taking yaz which has one of the lowest rate of reported side effects.. i am hoping that it will clear up some of my acne though.. i get the period break outs... =P

8-29-09 just a side not for today (12:56 am)

well this is more of an after though from yesterday but this post is going to appear under Saturday's log.

my stomach is already growling in anticipation for the fasting fiasco to come...
it is a symphony in my stomach and music to my ears.

8-29-09 looking forward to school

im really looking forward to school because i eat so much less when im in school.
i eat more durring the summer just because i am around the food. i suppose it is just too tempting i need to really work on that whole will power thing. =P

im hoping to lose about 5 lbs by the first month of school. about what i gained back this summer ... (i know right?? ughh)

and so my short term goal weight right now is 120.
long term is 105 which i am hoping to achieve by the end of the school year but we'll se how that goes.